It Is All About Balls and Beards

Balls and Beards was the brainchild of two guys during one of those ridiculous late night conversations.  You know the ones I mean.  The original topic? I can’t remember.  How we came to decide that we’d have a radio show and call it Balls and Beards?  Don’t remember that either.  The ideas we brainstormed?  Nope.  Gone.  It was late and I was tired.  Give me a break.

Whatever prompted it and whatever followed, the result is the same—this sports blog by guys, for guys who like balls and beards.  And when I say “like balls,” I mean it in the most obvious sense.  Sports are all about balls.  It takes balls to play games like football and rugby that involve huge collisions and gnarly injuries and more testosterone than Jose Canseco would even know what to do with.  Rugby balls and footballs, obviously.  Never mind the horsehide balls required to play baseball, where the balls fly through the air at 95 miles an hour (and that’s before some lunk with a bat tries to hit the ball 400 feet.)  And goodness knows flops like Manu’s and LeBron’s wouldn’t happen if it weren’t for the balls that Dr. James Naismith suggested you might throw through peach baskets.

Say what you will about the previous paragraph, but everyone likes a good beard.  In some instances, a good beard overcomes the face that hosts it.  And here at Balls and Beards, a good beard will always (sometimes?) take precedence over anything of any magnitude that doesn’t involve a beard.  Think about it.  When Blake Griffin dunked over a car, what did you focus on?  Jumping over a mid-size sedan?  No, because Griffin can jump over a mid-size redwood.  The distracting and fairly stupid presence of a car on a basketball court?  No, because very distracting and supremely stupid mascots are allowed on basketball courts all the time (more on that another day).  The thing of note was Baron Davis popping out of the sunroof, or more accurately, Baron’s beard popping out from the sunroof.

"I defy you to dunk on this beard."
-Baron Davis

Look at that thing!  Rarely, if ever, has there been such a notable neck-beard in the world’s history.  Likely Baron’s prowess on the hardwood is dependent on his beard.  It’s a little known fact that Pheidippides, the world’s first marathon runner, died in an attempt to grow a neck beard like Baron’s.  The legend goes that his heart gave out because of the physical exertion of running 25 miles from Marathon to Athens, but the truth is that his heart broke when he realized that he just could not grow such a good beard.

The real reason for Balls and Beards is sports talk.  Not in competition with the major players in sports news, but to glory a bit in standing in their shadow.  Deep down, we know that we aren’t better at analyzing sports than ESPN, the same way that armchair all-stars know that as much as they rag on Dwight Howard for his free throw shooting, the last time they shot 60% from the line was their sophomore year of high school (3 of 5, baby!).  Being a sports fan is all about talking big and caring so much your heart just might pop if YouTube suggests that you might want to watch Bartman ruin the Cubs’ playoff run in ’03 one more time.

Spectator sports are an irrational, wonderful thing.  Every year, Redskins fans truly think that even Dan Snyder can’t ruin the newest roster.  Every year, Cubs fans really, honestly believe that this year their boys will win the World Series.  Every year, a dedicated fan base believes that their eternal happiness can actually be secured by one last championship run by Tim Duncan (age 71) and company.

Steven and I actually think that someday we could have a radio show that people would want to listen to—a show that would be relevant.  That would brighten Joe Schmoe’s day on the way home from his boring job as the manager of quality control at the Chapstick factory.  That some kid would learn to love baseball like we do listening to us get worked up because Dan Haren and his 6.15 ERA are ruining our lives, from the Disabled List.  That’s why we’re here (figuratively, of course.  We are not actually on your screen).

On Balls and Beards, you’ll see some ridiculous things (see paragraphs 2, 3, and 4) that don’t really mean a thing, some commentary on the culture of sports or some scrub who’s ruining our lives by playing a game, some pictures or videos we enjoy, and occasionally something that might actually matter.  Keep an eye on us.